The teen years can be challenging—for teens and for parents. Young teens are coping with changing bodies and relationships. They're questioning who they are and how they fit in. They can be best friends one day and enemies the next. They may face conflicts at school or outside of school. And disagreements, fights, and bullying can spread far and wide on social media, which can be just as wounding and tough as in-person conflict to deal with.
Teens may not always open up to you about conflicts with peers. But when they do, here are some tips for having a good chat.
- Help your teen recognize their feelings. Conflict is a natural part of life. It's okay to be angry or feel hurt. Let them know that their feelings are real and that you are there for support.
- Work on staying calm. Help teens see that it's hard to solve a problem when they're upset. You can demonstrate some strategies for them to calm down before addressing a problem. For example, breathing exercises might help them calm down in the moment, and stay calm after. You can show them the 4-7-8 method: breathe in for 4 seconds, hold breath for 7, exhale for 8.
- Practice speaking up. Conflicts are hard to resolve without conversation. Help your teen prepare to talk about conflict with their peers. Encourage them to plan what they might like to say and how they want to say it. Writing a practice letter or bullet points can help them decide what's most important to talk about. Role playing can help your teen to be ready for possible responses.
- Be fair, and model fairness. Understanding the other side can help with resolving the issue. Ask your teen to try to imagine the other person's experience, even if they don't agree with their peer's perspective.
- Prepare your teen before a real conflict arises.
- Tell them a story about how you handled conflict as a kid. What strategies worked to calm or resolve conflict? What didn't work? What do you wish you'd done then?
- Ask your teen to talk about past conflicts that they think they handled well. What are some that haven't worked out?
- Talk with your teen about what they have seen that works to calm or solve conflict. What do other kids do that works? What things don't work? When is it okay to walk away from a fight?
- Talk to your teen about conflict before, during, and after it occurs. These kinds of adult conversations help keep communication channels open and increase trust. Your teen will probably appreciate it, even if they don't always admit it.